Hurmmm... its Friday's night but I am alone in my home. My other half is about 200++ km away. If not he will be the others side of the world doing what he do best; designing. I wish he worked with local company. So at least, the farthest outstation is still within the country. But unfortunately he worked with international company that have branches or suppliers from around the globe. I should be thankful yet I'm whining. Being alone is already hard but to bear him on plane just nerve wrecking. After married of course we want to be together as a family but if this continues, I just can't think of how to get together. He became one of the trusted employee of the company. Making him busy even more. Flying even more frequent than ever. Leaving his family behind.
Even if I do get transfer closer to him, am I getting the family that I have always wanted? That question always run into my mind. Will it be worth it? Or better to wait for a better oppoturnity? My mind often goes blank. My heart sunk. The feeling was blunt. I am really in a dilemma. We are both getting busy and more hectic by year. This year is something. It came with so many challenges and hurdles. My super senior is leaving us soon for confinement and my other senior was promoted to other states. That's leave me and another colleague to run our beloved district. Urghhh... It might seem a good sign for our District Medical Officer to notice us. But I shouldn't let my guard down. Or it might turn up as a humongous humiliation in front of him.
Plus, with the small surprise coming along. God, please let me make a decision. I can't leave my district just because of my selfishness. I want to at least leave the district with happy and good memories for my staff. Or appreciate the thing happened because of me. I know the way I am thinking is far more different from other wives or mothers out there. But I really want to make changes before I leave. Or being at one place at least more than 1 year. It just shows your enthusiasm. Right?
I have been in a condition where I am worst than I ever imagined I could be. Then, miraculously I have got the job and my whole life just getting better. I want to appreciate it, embrace it. I want others know how much I love this job. Even I was aimed to break and fall by many, surprisingly I was and still standing up and tall. Nothing will break me but myself. I guess my ambition is too high. Maybe when the time come, I will see myself devoted to my little and growing family.
Lonely and sad are my companions these days. Probably because of hormones I guess.
I still can endure it but sometimes it just breaks me down. All that I want is just courage and strength to overcome this feelings. I don't want to become someone who breaks down and give up. Many good things will come if I am willing to just endure this period and be good. Amin.