Dilemma.

Yes indeed. Being the eldest somehow you will feel that your parent is raising up the standard bar for you. Recently my second sister have got a permanent job as a secondary government school teacher. Ever since, all I have ever heard is they can't wait for me to have a permanent job as well. Then my third sister is also will be graduating from her bachelor degree soon. She is also have a few promising job interviews that make my parents are willingly happy for her as well. How about me? Just some crazy ideas that have not worked out. Yeah I really don't want to play the blame game here. Of course the reason I took my master is by choice and not that it against my will, but surely the ideas were imprinted by them subconsciously. 

Now I'm taking high risk job as entrepreneur. Highly risk and not a safe job especially for me girls.It has been a tough time, having their blessing once I have make this as a full time job. Its not that I really want the encouragement or boost some financial modals,it just to have a blessing or just be proud of what I've become. Even though it have been a smooth sailing for the past few months, it is still not enough for them to say, it is OK to be different. I know they are afraid that I will fall miserably. Especially with some high cost that maybe they will end up with. But I learned from mistakes, having a baby step at a time. Plus I'm not taking high risk chances as having a loan to run a business. 

Now my parents are slowly understand that the girls; three of us is not far from that marriage stage. Bitterly, they are giving these requirement must have to build a new families. I found out it just the way they are to stop either of us from being a wife. Nor that I really want to be one, it just morally breaks you as it just at the end, it just a competition. You snooze, you lose. 

Recently I am just mentally and emotionally break down. I can't think straight. Many of the jobs were not reflected myself. I just not where I want to be. I am not happy with things that I'm doing. It just feds me up. I can't really be happy event though I'm planning a happy event for others. Ironically, it just seem great for others to have a thought that I'm having the time of my life being behind the cameras, glamorous and hang out with the television people. 

Thinking of channel it out through these quick, fast media social of mine (referring to Facebook and Twitter) but then it didn't out turned quite well. Even telling to my partner; didn't felt right as he is nothing similar to my condition. He said I'm just being super ridiculous. As much as I missed blogging, I just seem want to forget that I have one super old blog ever since 2009. I guess you just don't know what to expect when you are thinking it too much but really it just unnecessary. 

Loser is someone that you think have nothing to prove and not even learn from his or her past. That is definitely not me. It just felt that I have this big unnecessary burden behind my back that I really shouldn't have. Being a lot of thinking negatively and I guess I have to be much stronger than I were before. Being heartless is just not enough I must say. Maybe you just have to endure and adapt it fast before it get you. 

It is not really about the words, it is about how you react towards the words. I can't really imagine what is going through my parents's minds. They have nothing but to lower my esteem down to the level they think I should be. I love them. I know they are ashamed to have this eldest daughter of them doing nothing at home just cutting and gluing the props stick. That is definitely not their definition of working.  

I just want to just let this go and when I succeed in my business, then looked back at this entry. I will smile and felt the ups and downs of my life. Hopefully.